“Why Didn’t They Just Leave?”

“Why didn’t they just leave?”

One of the most frustrating questions to hear—there are sooo many reasons why one might stay in an abusive relationship. 

While really the question should be “why didn’t the abusive partner just leave/address their issues instead of harming their partner?”, if we are going to be focusing on the victim/survivor, I’d like to pose a different question.

Why would they? 

In addition to the cycles of abuse, the dynamics of power and control within an abusive relationship, and the many barriers there might be to leaving—what about what we are taught growing up?

(And not just the fact so often young girls are told that if a young boy is teasing her or harming her in some way, that must mean he likes her)

How many of us experienced corporal punishment/physical abuse of some form? 

Perhaps also being told something along the lines of “this hurts me more than it hurts you” by our caregiver at some point during the encounter?

Or otherwise had these physical experiences tied to our caregivers’ love for us? 

How many of us were told to stop crying, or we’d be given something to cry about? 

Were yelled at for any wide range of reasons, from emotions to mistakes and mishaps?

Maybe being belittled, insulted, or shamed, with our flaws and insecurities poked at by family saying they “only want what is best for us”?

If all our lives there’s been such overlap between love and pain, why wouldn’t that translate to insecure attachment or add to the confusion and uncertainty of abusive relationships?

Why wouldn’t abuse feel like it can be a part of love, when that’s what we were told growing up? 

How could someone know that leaving is an option, when “running away” (or even just walking to a different room) is wrong? 

We can’t associate love & care with being hurt in childhood, and then expect that lesson to just magically fade away in adulthood. 

If a behavior is considered abusive/wrong when coming from a romantic partner, we shouldn’t be deeming it acceptable for parenting.

Journal entry turned blog; inspired while reading The Pain We Carry: Healing Complex PTSD for People of Color by Natalie Y. Gutiérrez (though I’d say All About Love: New Visions and Communion: The Female Search for Love by bell hooks also played a role in this thought process!)