Defining Success

This is a reflection inspired by reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson (At the time of writing this, I haven’t finished reading, so I can’t really say whether I recommend it just yet, but I vibe with a lot of it so far). 

Mediocrity is not failure. 

Our success does not require ‘greatness’ or exceptionalism—it isn't defined by any societal standards either. We decide what success looks like for us, based on our own values. Not society-deemed values, but our personal values.

When we work toward something because it's culturally expected, we may find ourselves lacking/feeling empty when we achieve it. I know I've seen posts/quotes out there talking about how we aren't satisfied because we constantly raise the bar for ourselves.

(I was writing this on paper & pencil, and didn't want to pick up my phone to search it up because then I might not come back to finish. I actually still can’t find a direct source to reference now that I’m typing this up, but the quote I was thinking of was “Maybe you don’t notice your progress because you keep raising the bar.”)

I wonder how often it might be a bit of both—us raising the bar because we aren’t satisfied with reaching a goal that is externally given, not based on our personal values. 

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson talks about what he calls ‘the self-awareness onion’ with three layers and associated questions. The first two layers are (1) understanding one’s emotions and (2) why we are feeling said emotions. The third is why we consider something a success or failure—asking ourselves how we are choosing to measure success and what standard we're using to judge ourselves and those around us. 

So we have to ask ourselves if our image of success is defined by our good, true personal values. While I typically aim to avoid binaries, especially those of “good” and “bad,” I don't disagree with the ideas presented by Manson as good values—those that are reality-based, socially constructive, and immediate and controllable.

You might be wondering—“Amanda, what does all this have to do with mediocrity?” That's a very fair callout; I realize I did get a bit off track (kind of). The point is, we can't define success with the idea of being the best, great, or extraordinary. We can't all be extraordinary—might sound harsh, but if we all are, then none of us are—but that doesn't mean we aren't valuable or worthy, doesn't mean we can't be successful and satisfied. 

We treat ‘average’ like it's a failure, but it is not. (How many of us heard that Cs or even Bs were unacceptable?) We've morphed ideas of self-esteem and success into perfectionism—believing that accepting ‘average’/‘mediocre’ means accepting a future without achievement/accomplishments, improvements, or growth, and overall just a life without meaning. But life doesn't have to be exceptional or truly notable to be worthwhile! In fact, “the knowledge and acceptance of your own mundane existence will actually free you to accomplish what you truly wish to accomplish, without judgment or lofty expectations.” (pg. 61). 

We can enjoy and make the most of life's ordinary moments and successes, and feel proud of our accomplishments because we aimed and worked towards them. Because they're aligned with our values and desires, we don't need to compare or judge, especially not to any notable exceptions.

Again, when we consider success (and failure), we need to consider why we’re aiming for something, and what metrics we’re using for success/failure. And remember that success can be, and often is, found right in the middle of the bell curve.